Arkadia Raduesca (arkadiaraduesca) wrote,
Arkadia Raduesca
arkadiaraduesca

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musings



Before i begin... i've recently found the most beautiful voice on earth, and it belongs to Lata Mangeshkar. She was a singer in Bollywood movies from the 60's to the 80's, and considered the Queen of Bollywood and one of India's greatest vocalists. her voice is astounding; because of her voice, there was one filmmaker who thought she was the living embodiment of Saraswati(demigoddess of the arts). she is AMAZING. now onto the fun. with the quizzes, take 'em if you want. i forget where i found them, but they're interesting:

Chinese portrait:
If i were a time of day, i would be: Twilight
If i were a liquid, i would be: rain
If i were a tree, i would be: a willow
If i were a color, i would be: any shade of blue
If i were a musical instrument, i would be: a sitar
If i were an animal, i would be: peacock
If i were a fruit, i would be: strawberry
If i were a sound, i would be: song
If i were a place, i would be: Bombay
If i were a quality, i would be: stability or calm
If i were a fault, i would be: moodiness


3 Things
3 things that scare me: being abandoned by anyone, needles, the thought of being murdered
3 countries i want to visit: India, Spain, Italy
3 good things about my personality: open-mindedness, honesty... that's it.
3 bad things about my personality: being overcritical(of myself and others), cynicism, easily insulted
3 things that fascinate me: religion, history(elsewhere than US. by now i'm very bored of US history), birds(don't ask me why)
3 authors/poets i love: Anne Rice, Krishnamurti, Ella Wheeler Wilcox
3 things i wish i could change about my self/life: my voice, my tendancy to jump to conclusions, how i perceive things

*sigh*
you can rely on others for support, but it's frankly dangerous to depend on them emotionally. people will falter and fall into a tricky abyss if they aren't in the prescence of whoever they've projected their need onto. it's sad when your emotions are a slave of someone else. i wish i would've realized this sooner, before it was too late to help myself...
What have i become? i complain about whiners and complain about unmotivated people, but i'm a constant nagger myself. i see the worst in everyone and everything, thinking it'll cut the risk of anger or being hurt. it doesn't. I fight for my individuality but i'm usually too blind to see the huge influence other people have on me. i'm not at peace with myself. i never really was, but especially not now. how can i even speak of finding enlightenment or quietude? i don't get it. i wonder what my wake-up call will be...

I wonder why people will act like they care for you and say they're there for you, when they've previously wronged you and probably don't care at all? And why is it that even when we can clearly see danger, we still run straight towards it? are we careless or intentionally masochistic? what drives us to do the things we do, no matter how stupid or dangerous?
Seeing your friends from early childhood, you get a strangely calm feeling. is it because they're the only ones that really know you? the real you, before life and society twisted and distorted you?

i sit here, and wish for oblivion, for maybe the 10 millionth time. i feel worn out. some wounds don't heal easily, for whatever reason. the same questions torment me, and bad memories/thoughts obstruct all pleasant memories. would this or that situation have been better if i had said different things/known how to express myself better/shown more understanding/been more truthful? should we really worry about other peoples' opinions, or just be grateful for the love given to us by people that actually matter? we spend a lot of time wondering where we might belong, only to realize that Home is very changeable. and so we remain perpetually frustrated. Stability doesn't lie in possessions but in inner serenity, and thus it isn't given to everyone. Consequently, we struggle, and we falter, and when we do manage to get up on our feet, it is always with less idealism and more cynicism.

gah. i wish i could see things the way i did when i was little! i thought everyone in the world was good, i automatically trusted everyone- i would've run to Jack the Ripper when i was 5- and i was just generally happy and bouncy, like most 5-year olds. i wish we didn't leave that innocent state. why do we have to be thrown into Reality, which tells us that most people are liars and would rather hurt you than help you? that there are people out there that kill and torture because they like to see pain? that nothing is really safe and we can die at any moment of anything? it's disturbing on so many levels... no wonder so many people are fucked up. it's too much to take.

each day that breaks brings new disappointments and wipes out more illusions. Tell me, what is there to rejoice in when everything you long for is drifting father and farther away?

I'm in love. but i don't want to be. not with that person, anyway. why does it have to be them of all people? the one that can never be mine? the one that i will never stop showering with my affection and love, despite it will never matter to them? the one that has been causing me pain for quite some time, but i can't stop myself from seeing them and wanting to be with them, no matter how much i want to? the one that's putting me in the background where i used to be at the head. that doesn't bother me at all- what does is that i'm never taken out of the background. but yet i still love this person unwaveringly. WHY? it doesn't matter to them, and it never will! why do i try?! i'm driving myself insane, and as much as i'd like to blame it on them, it's completely my fault because i have no chance and i know it, my mind knows it and is compelled to just give it all up, but my heart refuses to! i hate it!

and that's been my thought for the day. adieu.
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