and this... Christopher Titus. absolute comic genius. read below:
Chris Titus is a freaking genius. he takes some of the darkest, most twisted things on earth- death, insanity, suicide, drugs, alcoholism, all mostly from his past- and somehow manages to make us laugh hysterically about it all. The things that need a bit of comic relief to them get it with this guy. he's hilarious.... depending on you humor of course :) quotes:
"A couple of years back, the LA Times said, that up to 70% of families were considered 'disfunctional'. And what that implies is that all the people with two normal parents, a labrador and a white picket fence are the freaks. Good. That means that us with the less fortunate childhoods are now the majority. I didn't have two normal parents, my parents were so far from normal, that even Charlie Manson, if he visited my house and saw us, would go "What is this? What the fuck is wrong with you people?" We didn't have a white picket fence. If we would've even tried to get one, our nutcase neighbours probably would have sued us for something. Dogs we had though. We are all dog people, maybe that is why to this day i have this unexplained hatred towards cats and cat people..."
"What can i say? i'm a bloody wacko magnet. It's like i'm a funny farm hotel, and everyone in my life has a permanent residential address here. you don't have to be nuts, but if you aren't, we'll make you."
"I just don't get it what it is with me and crazy people. My family is full of nuts, my best friend from childhood went nuts and tried to kill me, and my first real girlfriend(as opposed to the imaginary ones) was so insane, that even i went "wow! that bitch is fucking nuts!" Excellent. Who wants a real relationship anyways? If in one point during the relationship, somebody doesn't go "You ruined my life you asshole", the relatioship is going nowhere. But then again, that's just a part of the excitement. When you broke up with your girlfriend rather loudly, in the middle of an intersection while just about 150 people are wondering what the fuck is going on, it's exciting at least. And causing mental damage is what i really can do well. I learned from the best, my mom. I'm good at it and if you fuck me over, i'm going to destroy your self esteem."
"I don't trust normal people. They are not strong. People with intact childhood are often weak, and snap when trouble comes knocking on the door. When you haven't grown up in a mentally abusive surrounding, what could possibly had prepared you for all the disasters that are heading your way? I was fucked up by my teachers so badly, that nothing really upsets me anymore. After you just go over the line and start screaming to your teachers to leave you the fuck alone, what else is there? Show me a person who hasn't screwed up at least 100 times and i will show you a person who hasn't lived. When the world is going to end, and it is going to happen eventually, if we as a race are still around, which is highly unlikely, according to the statistics, 30 some percent of us are going to get postal.. The rest of us are already there, so we can relax and enjoy. And hey, is anybody watching over the ferrari dealership?"
"My mother was a manic-depressive schizophrenic. i never knew who was coming over for dinner! but i always knew they'd be bummed out."
"My mother was sent to the loony bin when i was 5 year old, the first time... it was comforting to know that while i was in school gluing macaroni to paper plates, my mother was in therapy gluing macaroni to paper plates. i used to hang her prjects on the fridge!"
"I learned my lesson pretty quickly when i saw what pills did to the people around me. Sucking the life right out of them, made them all mellow and passive. There was no excitement around the house anymore. I remember when my sister was growing up, she used to have these fights with my mom where the whole house would shake. Now that's fucking fun. Then medication kicked in on all parties, and the only way to amuse yourself is to play games... 'Easter pill hunt', 'look at the vein on mommys head throb' and of course, my favorite- at least when i was a teenager- 'lets make everybodys life a living hell'.... I still love that game. Nothing makes my day more fun than to ruin everybody else's day. My religion teacher actually thought that i was a devil child. And he was probably right... My head doesn't go around 360 degrees, but put me in a room with a catholic priest and hell will break loose."
"When you're ordinary, you just want to get along with life. Don't try to strife, don't try to be extraordinary. When you're extraordinary, you just don't give a fuck about being normal anymore. It's your world. It's a pain in the neck to tone myself down a couple of notches just to make it in the world ruled by people who cannot, and will not understand you. Ever.
I may be disfunctional, but i am not a freak."