i'm apparently undergoing some sort of subconscious transformation... i say subconscious because though i'd like to, i know i'm not putting effort into changing myself at this time, but yet i am changing, quite a bit. and its a really good thing, so i can't say i care.
I'm waking up to a few facts, finally. the first one sounds negative, but believe me it's a good thing- Karma hates me. this one will become a rant, i know it, but there is a point, be assured of that...
i have been tormented by almost everyone i've come across- in elementary school i had 2 real friends, and i'm not exaggerating when i say absolutely everyone else hated me. i was made fun of for my voice, my name, appearance, clothes, fucking everything. if you needed a laugh, i was the go-to person! everyone got a giggle out of publicly demeaning me, stealing my things and hitting me! yay! and it continued from 3rd-6th grade, endlessly. even now it continues, though thank god not as bad or else i'd have gone postal in 8th grade. my entire family thinks i'm nuts- most of my family hardly regards me as a member, my father admits to being humiliated of me, i am ceaselessly mocked and ridiculed for my faith and vegetarianism, and my brother- ohhhhhhohohohoho, the things my brother has done to me, mentally and physically... and i have put up with all of it. it has pissed me off to great length, but i have said not one word throughout all of it. i was/have been patient, i have stayed as calm as humanly possible despite my mind is screaming at me to stab all of their eyes out with a pencil. i never retaliated or got revenge, i was never vindictive. even at that young age when the torment started i knew Karma was a bitch and you get what you deserve, so i did nothing. and there were a few moments in life where i thought Karma was smiling at me, namely during 7th/8th grade when i thought that people finally became more mature and wouldn't make fun of me, and when i fell hard and fast for quite possibly the best person to enter my life- and both were just setups for personal disaster. so, when i was being good, patient, doing my best, Karma ignored me. but when i did something bad, her attention was fully mine. so Karma is fucking me over. so i'm no longer trying to please that cosmic bitch... screw it, i'll do what i like, whether it's good or sinful- considered so, at least.
2nd thing: yes, yes, it's finally gotten through my thick as steel skull... my friends are called FRIENDS for a reason! they're in my life and they fucking love me! yes! it's fucking FINALLY come into realization! and i can't stress the word Finally enough... something bore into me to make me think that all people are deceptive and twisted... Understand that i haven't had pleasant people-experiences, so i'm not easily trusting. that and i take certain actions/words to heart, and i will twist them up to mean something totally different... gah. i'm weird. but i have finally come to the light... and hopefully this current epiphany will remain with me.
3rd thing: give up the things that happened in the past. they're behind you, so get over them. yes, things that happened in the pasy were unpleasant and even disturbing, but look on the bright side: none of these events left you debilitated, with a mental illness(besides an anxiety disorder, which i'm sure i've had since the start), afraid to leave the house, violated, in pain, DEAD. things much worse happen to other people that don't deserve it on a regular basis. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and you're not dead, so use the strength, learn from mistakes, keep the things that happened in mind so they won't happen again- but don't let memories rule the present.
4th thing- laugh. at everything. even the most unfortunate, dark, disturbing thing can be funny with the right setup. the only good example of this is from my newest discovery in the Comedy world, Chris Titus: when he was in his late 20's, his mother murdered her 4th husband and then killed herself. he was totally stoic for 2 weeks, then suddenly broke down on an airplane for 40 minutes. when he returned to his seat, he picked up a magazine with the title, "Mental Illness: Genetic?" and laughed his ass off. now the scenario is part of his comedy routine. "If it weren't for my mother, it would still be legal to kill a man with a coffee machine in 4 states." for that fact, Chris's entire disturbing, unfortunate life is the material for his hilarious comedy. so literally ANYTHING can be funny. learn to laugh at misfortune. we'd all better lighten the fuck up, because we're only in high-school! we're going a lot farther than this in life! so when misfortune comes knocking, intimidate the little fucker- laugh your ass off. it'll be funny later anyway, so why not improve yourself by seeing the humor today? Laughter is the best medicine. and spin-doctor.
so i'm learning a lot about nothing in particular. well, i suppose i'm finally learning about Life. and i am becoming a better person. i am putting depression behind me. i am seeing that nothing is perfect and life will be flawed. i'm seeing that its necessary to retaliate if you want any respect, or at least to be left alone- causing mental damage is one thing i can do. i will destroy you if you fuck with me. but i also know to stay peaceful. work on patience. just become a better person overall, and you'll see this currently dark world in a new light...
for all the ways i'm changing emotionally, mentally and even physically... i still can't convince my lazy ass to get up and do homework before 10:30. it figures.
i've found a few new people to look up to for their acheivements and what they went through, and i'm continuing to look up to my friends as practically a surrogate family... i'm changing overall, finally. weeeee:)