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Sunday, March 19th, 2006
7:25 pm
i am convinced that Cosmic forces hate me, and there are people i know playing a very cruel trick on me. not very happy at the moment.

I'm done being messed with. i've been played with long enough, it's time for this stupid game to end.

i might as well add that i'm not posting in this thing anymore. it's dead starting tomorrow, or whenever i remember to delete it... so adios and a big 'fuck-you' to all.

current mood: pissed off

(6 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Saturday, March 18th, 2006
12:29 pm - Srimati Radharani
RadhaCollapse )

current mood: ecstatic

(March to the Black Queen)

Friday, March 17th, 2006
9:38 pm - St. Patrick's Day! wee
On a random note... 'Radhe Shyam' is the most beautiful devotional song i've ever heard. O_O
You can do Aarati online now, apparently... well, that's different! aarati is a small devotional act- a less elaborate puja, which is another form of worship. bathe the deity, clothe it, offer light, camphor, tilak, ornaments, flowers, food/drink offering- it's an aarati! and you can do it online now, here: www.urday.com/onlineaarti.htm no one else is probably very interested, but it's something new:)

Today was very pleasant, up until i found a note that was written by a friend of mine awhile back... he's been gone for awhile now. he must've written it before he left, in this little journal-thing i have(i never look through it, i've only covered 5 pages with sketches). he hasn't been here since January, and just today i find this note...
I'm sick of this whole ordeal. if he's gone, let him be gone. i don't want to think about it anymore. i don't want to realize i'll never see him again anymore. i don't want to continue this way. it'd be pleasant if i were just allowed to move on from it all, but every so often something like that happens- i find a letter, or something religious reminds me(he's jewish), etc etc etc. everyone involved with him would just like to forget this all(not about him, of course, but about this whole thing with him leaving), and a few have succeeded somewhat, i think, at least have gotten farther than i. why can't i? meh.

well, at least things are looking up in terms of mood. i'm going to the movies w/ Justine and Colleen tomorrow, and at some point in time a whole group of people and myself are going to see the Reduced Shakespeare Company. wee:) hey, being with people helps. isolation sucks.

speaking of being alone, my father still isn't home. he's usually here by 6. it's 9:40. what the hell? i like being alone in the house, but still...

survey survey sur-VEY!Collapse )

current mood: tired

(1 boiled and baked and didn't dot their I | March to the Black Queen)

Monday, March 13th, 2006
3:28 pm - I get by with a little help from my friends...
yup. Saturday and sunday were not the best days i've had. neither was today, partially on the account that i only got 3 hours of sleep, and even that was shaky considering *something* turned my lights back on 3 times. i believed in ghosts before, but i really do now... there's no scientific or energy-related solution for a light turning on and off at will O_O but i've been cheered immensely by my friends, so Merci! let's hope tomorrow is better.

in personal news: my new name is officially Lo Sciocco nell'amore. meh.

(9 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Saturday, March 11th, 2006
9:17 pm - really?
I've been wondering this for awhile now... is it really 2006? is this seriously the year we're living in? because there are still people dying in mines, the government is tapping our phones and everything we do today radically contradicts our constitutional rights. i guess we didn't totally destroy the Soviet Union...
The government is illegally listening to the common peoples' phone calls and watching our email. they want to know if we're terrorists or looking at porn. i have to come clean. i've been looking at Terrorist porn. one of my favorite sites is also one of Afghanistan's- www.osama-bin-lick-me.net. Hey, here's a novel idea- let's just get back to being America here. stop totally violating our privacy out of total paranoia.

it's funny that Osama bin Laden has offered us a truce. a great offer and all, but i don't really think he's in the best bargaining position. But he's also threatened more attacks. sorry buddy, but you're not catching us with our pants down again. we're not really afraid of a guy who lives in a cave, craps in a bucket and delivers threat videos by goat. But i don't understand why we haven't caught him yet. we have satellites that can spot a canker-sore on a gnat's urethra, but we can't find this guy. or are there just too many 6'4", turban-wearing, bearded, dress-swishing dialysis-machine dragging psychopaths to narrow it down? let's just find him. if the administration thinks we need a guy to point the finger at or to keep us afraid, no, we're not afraid, we're pissed off. Osama is like that kid in the supermarket who keeps knocking stuff over and being obnoxious. he needs to be dealt with. Mr President, please use the executive authority of the bitch-slap and take this guy out. your popularity might just double to a whopping 50%!

Reminding me of Dubya's pathetic approval rate, it's gone down just a bit more now that he's decided it's a good idea to turn our port security over to the Middle East. ok. turning our port security over to the Middle East would be kind of like... oh, i don't know, ignoring a warning about someone crashing planes into the World Trade Center. or invading a country for no reason. or putting a horse-show judge in charge of national emergencies. and who would do that?? The Middle East is insane! come on, a few weeks ago a Dutch comic illustrator drew a cartoon of the Musim prophet wearing a bomb for a hat. the Muslims were outraged at having their prophet being depicted as violent, so they stormed the Dutch embassy and did a lot of violent things. there mustn't be a word for Irony in Arabic...
Is the Middle East really so uptight that they need to go after cartoons, drawn by the Dutch no less? Come on. going after the Dutch is like fighting the wheelchair kid wearing the helmet. and now the Muslims are going to boycott dutch chocolate because of the cartoon. Ok... you people think you're a martyr if you blow yourselves up, cover up every inch of your body, live in 114 degree heat, and when you get mad your best idea is to blow the cause of anger up, along with yourself. of all the people in the world, you guys need chocolate! lots of chocolate, with Ritalin and Xanax in it. Jeesy...

current mood: hot

(11 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Friday, March 10th, 2006
8:54 pm
it's fun to realize someone is lying to you. yup. loads of fun.

heh. its been a fun filled day friends and neighbors. and just a few moments ago was the kicker. i'm kind of wondering why i put up with it. do i deserve to? hell yes. but i realize what's happening, so why don't i just stop it? gah! i'm such a fucking weakling! i swear i have no spine...

and these are not only random lyrics, but a very accurate description of Love. wee!

"It's hiding in the corner
of every sacred place
Before the ambush you won't want to recognize its face.
It slithers like a viper
Readies its attack
Tears your flesh and soul apart
Then clings on to your back...

But not till it turns away
Can you feel the pain of all the damage done
And you may notice that
This quick opiate
Might wear the wings of angels
That's when you realize
You've been shot down
Wounded unto death by something called Love..."

(4 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Thursday, March 9th, 2006
6:40 pm - listy-thing
boredom has ascended on the day...Collapse )

current mood: apathetic

(March to the Black Queen)

Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
5:41 pm - dying of laughter... it's a good thing
ok... today sucked. this whole week has more sucking power to it than a goddamn black hole. i'm thrilled that this schoolweek ends early(today)- thank you convenient graduation project scheduling!! 4 day weekend:) wee!

we have a band concert next week on Wednesday. somebody come to it. my parents aren't and i'd like to know that someone in the audience actually wants to be there. well, i can't blame my mother, she can't get off work, but my dad just isn't going...
we're playing a lot of interesting music, which is a heart-stopping first, so it's a rare oppurtunity here people! we're playing a fast-paced Russian march, an Aria and pieces from broadway musicals, including Seasons of Love from Rent. woooot! plus an African american Spiritual, which i never thought we'd be allowed to play. it's spiffy- hearing the bassoon part makes me want to switch to bassoon- i love bass:) the bassoons go really deep for this.

and i have found more gold from Titus... the discoveries i make when i'm bored... i found a video of this, and laughed my ass off. read below:
anniversaryCollapse )

current mood: amused

(7 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Monday, March 6th, 2006
4:30 pm - moon moon moon
today sucked. i'm still sick, i've been coughing all day, i've been cold as hell all day as well, almost passed out in band(playing an instrument that requires lung strength is a bad idea when you don't have it at the time), and i couldn't stop crying from the time i got home to just a few moments ago.
i am a fucking failure. i am. i just cannot succeed at anything worthwhile. yeah, i know, it's negative thinking and i shouldn't be thinking like that because i can succeed and i'm good at stuff and on and on and on. if you're going to say that to me, piss off. i know i'm bad at things. everyone is. i just happen to be extraordinarily bad at some things. i had my math teacher explain something to me today. my desk is about 11 feet from his- by the time i walked back to my desk, i had forgotten what he said to me. how fucking pathetic is that? one among many examples...


current mood: irritated

(5 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Sunday, March 5th, 2006
10:55 am - interesting day
Well, i can cross puking in an italian restaraunt off of my list of things to do before i die now...

yes. for my father's birthday we went to Bravo's. about an hour into the whole thing i was done convincing myself that i wasn't going to get sick, and ran to find the bathrooms... but i was thinking we were in the one on McKnight road(we were in Cranberry) so i had no idea where the hell i was going... i didn't end up finding them is all i'll say. it was a very interesting moment. it's funny now, but at the time, not exactly...
but besides that it was still a pretty interesting day. my dad dragged me out of the house, saying it does good for a cold(bullshit!), so i was in Border's, then Party City where i ran into Roy. wee! talked to him for awhile, went back into Border's where Sara S finds me! again, talk for awhile, she leaves to find her man-lover(hehehe)because they're seeing a movie. and i ended up buying Tarot cards. found an awesome deck, Tarot of the Dead... very whimsical, with the characters of the Major/Minor arcana being skeletons. interesting how they really do work around your question... it's wild.

yes, so that was my day. woohoo:)

current mood: tired

(March to the Black Queen)

Saturday, March 4th, 2006
10:53 am - argh
Thank you, Roy, for passing your illness to me *lol* :P

its been a bad day... and it just started. i'm sick, there's a family gathering tonight for my dad's birthday(it's next wednesday but we're celebrating tonight...oh joy), got a call from Chris about John- he's still doing badly, and my grandmother's neighbor, Tom, died a few days ago. we were close friends with him and his family... and he had 2 kids! Alex was 6 and his brother's only 3! this is the worst thing that could've happened to these people... why? why did this happen to them? what did his kids do to deserve losing their dad? and his wife, what did she ever do? she's the nicest woman i've ever met... *sigh*

and tonight, i become the goddamn party clown for everyone. what the fuck, why not let them hit me with water-balloons? they're going to demean me enough verbally, why not take it to the next level? >:(


current mood: sick

(5 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
5:45 pm - weeeha
my comedy is back in action! i had people laughing all day. wooo! i almost got in trouble for some of it, but hey, i didn't, so i'm glad i just got it out and made people happy!

a lot of people have been sick this past month & 2 days of March. not good. great, something else is passing around the school that i'm going to get eventually. the only good thing is it isn't a damn rumor for once. hoorah...




procrastinating once again...Collapse )

current mood: creative

(March to the Black Queen)

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
9:30 pm - capella
yay random titles!

i'm apparently undergoing some sort of subconscious transformation... i say subconscious because though i'd like to, i know i'm not putting effort into changing myself at this time, but yet i am changing, quite a bit. and its a really good thing, so i can't say i care.

I'm waking up to a few facts, finally. the first one sounds negative, but believe me it's a good thing- Karma hates me. this one will become a rant, i know it, but there is a point, be assured of that...
i have been tormented by almost everyone i've come across- in elementary school i had 2 real friends, and i'm not exaggerating when i say absolutely everyone else hated me. i was made fun of for my voice, my name, appearance, clothes, fucking everything. if you needed a laugh, i was the go-to person! everyone got a giggle out of publicly demeaning me, stealing my things and hitting me! yay! and it continued from 3rd-6th grade, endlessly. even now it continues, though thank god not as bad or else i'd have gone postal in 8th grade. my entire family thinks i'm nuts- most of my family hardly regards me as a member, my father admits to being humiliated of me, i am ceaselessly mocked and ridiculed for my faith and vegetarianism, and my brother- ohhhhhhohohohoho, the things my brother has done to me, mentally and physically... and i have put up with all of it. it has pissed me off to great length, but i have said not one word throughout all of it. i was/have been patient, i have stayed as calm as humanly possible despite my mind is screaming at me to stab all of their eyes out with a pencil. i never retaliated or got revenge, i was never vindictive. even at that young age when the torment started i knew Karma was a bitch and you get what you deserve, so i did nothing. and there were a few moments in life where i thought Karma was smiling at me, namely during 7th/8th grade when i thought that people finally became more mature and wouldn't make fun of me, and when i fell hard and fast for quite possibly the best person to enter my life- and both were just setups for personal disaster. so, when i was being good, patient, doing my best, Karma ignored me. but when i did something bad, her attention was fully mine. so Karma is fucking me over. so i'm no longer trying to please that cosmic bitch... screw it, i'll do what i like, whether it's good or sinful- considered so, at least.

2nd thing: yes, yes, it's finally gotten through my thick as steel skull... my friends are called FRIENDS for a reason! they're in my life and they fucking love me! yes! it's fucking FINALLY come into realization! and i can't stress the word Finally enough... something bore into me to make me think that all people are deceptive and twisted... Understand that i haven't had pleasant people-experiences, so i'm not easily trusting. that and i take certain actions/words to heart, and i will twist them up to mean something totally different... gah. i'm weird. but i have finally come to the light... and hopefully this current epiphany will remain with me.

3rd thing: give up the things that happened in the past. they're behind you, so get over them. yes, things that happened in the pasy were unpleasant and even disturbing, but look on the bright side: none of these events left you debilitated, with a mental illness(besides an anxiety disorder, which i'm sure i've had since the start), afraid to leave the house, violated, in pain, DEAD. things much worse happen to other people that don't deserve it on a regular basis. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and you're not dead, so use the strength, learn from mistakes, keep the things that happened in mind so they won't happen again- but don't let memories rule the present.

4th thing- laugh. at everything. even the most unfortunate, dark, disturbing thing can be funny with the right setup. the only good example of this is from my newest discovery in the Comedy world, Chris Titus: when he was in his late 20's, his mother murdered her 4th husband and then killed herself. he was totally stoic for 2 weeks, then suddenly broke down on an airplane for 40 minutes. when he returned to his seat, he picked up a magazine with the title, "Mental Illness: Genetic?" and laughed his ass off. now the scenario is part of his comedy routine. "If it weren't for my mother, it would still be legal to kill a man with a coffee machine in 4 states." for that fact, Chris's entire disturbing, unfortunate life is the material for his hilarious comedy. so literally ANYTHING can be funny. learn to laugh at misfortune. we'd all better lighten the fuck up, because we're only in high-school! we're going a lot farther than this in life! so when misfortune comes knocking, intimidate the little fucker- laugh your ass off. it'll be funny later anyway, so why not improve yourself by seeing the humor today? Laughter is the best medicine. and spin-doctor.

so i'm learning a lot about nothing in particular. well, i suppose i'm finally learning about Life. and i am becoming a better person. i am putting depression behind me. i am seeing that nothing is perfect and life will be flawed. i'm seeing that its necessary to retaliate if you want any respect, or at least to be left alone- causing mental damage is one thing i can do. i will destroy you if you fuck with me. but i also know to stay peaceful. work on patience. just become a better person overall, and you'll see this currently dark world in a new light...

for all the ways i'm changing emotionally, mentally and even physically... i still can't convince my lazy ass to get up and do homework before 10:30. it figures.

i've found a few new people to look up to for their acheivements and what they went through, and i'm continuing to look up to my friends as practically a surrogate family... i'm changing overall, finally. weeeee:)

current mood: victorious

(March to the Black Queen)

Saturday, February 25th, 2006
1:46 pm - continuing this nonsense from 20 minutes ago...
2 more things- Happy Birthday to George Harrison, that guitar-playing Hare Krishna genius. woot! Happy Birthday George! JAYA!

and this... Christopher Titus. absolute comic genius. read below:
Norman Rockwell is bleedingCollapse )

(1 boiled and baked and didn't dot their I | March to the Black Queen)

1:11 pm - Noodleybob
it was an interesting week, for all the wrong reasons. i'm very happy it's over. inside, i'm completely destroyed. but there's always the option to rebuild, and i don't know how easy that's going to be, but it's like i have a choice but to deal with it and try to fix things, so i'm on my way somewhere.

i think the only thing i really learned from all of this was blatently obvious in the first place, but at least i've realized it... i have a purpose here. i'll be damned if i know what it is, because i gave myself a purpose in life when i devoted myself to simply making someone happy- anyone really, if i could just make someone laugh. so i'm a fucking clown, sue me- but that doesn's seem to be working out so well all-around. so i have no idea why i'm here, i don't have a real purpose that i know of... but i'm here, i've been alive for 15 years and counting, i've touched peoples' lives... i'm apparently supposed to be here. and the whole notion i cam up with of "these guys don't really wanna be my friend, they just feel obligated to stay with me... they don't like talking to me, they don't wanna be around me" blah blah blah... i tried the idea of "if you love something, set it free"- and they came back. so apparently we're all bound in this. that's pretty fucking cool. and i've put one person in particular through hell, and they still didn't give up on me- they probably got pissed off after awhile, but they didn't give up, which should be telling me something.

i really need to renew some aspects of my life... i've gotta start with the 'thank-you's', leading up to just being a better person than this twisted, cynical, violent son of a bitch i've become... i was never like this, but that means i can fix it! fuck yeah, i'm bob the builder!

so, my train is finally going through that endless tunnel toward the light... all i can say is, it's about fucking time. this feeling is bound not to last, but i'm enjoying it at the mo', so hey!

ah yes.... COMMENT!! I want to hear from you people! i never freaking hear from half of you! i never even see half of you a lot, let alone hear from you- so comment something! anything! i like talking! its good good good!

current mood: i don't really know...

(4 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
4:13 pm - Twinkies!
today was odd on many levels. i understand more now, which is a first, but besides that moment of clarity it's been a very strange day. and supposedly teachers plan to strike on Thursday if negotiatons don't work out. i doubt anything's going to happen at that meeting, so there's going to be a strike. fucking dammit.

i spiffed up the info page out of lack of anything better to do, for St. Patrick's Day- wee! i'm *quite* irish, so this is my day! woo:)

current mood: touched

(4 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

Monday, February 20th, 2006
4:04 pm - most interesting moments
a whole slew of ah... very interesting conversations happened over the course of the day... for once, Monday was very enjoyable.

Conversations! wee!Collapse )

current mood: bouncy

(1 boiled and baked and didn't dot their I | March to the Black Queen)

Sunday, February 19th, 2006
1:54 pm - Masquerade, paper faces on parade...
that has nothing to do with this... but it's in my head...

Secret Window
find out what it is! wee!

current mood: tired

(March to the Black Queen)

Saturday, February 18th, 2006
9:34 pm - There is music without words
i don't get it. my mother agreed to listen to Lata Mangeshkar- she didn't like it, because she couldn't understand what she was saying. ...WHAT?!
I know it's a small disappointment to not understand the words, but music is much more than lyrics! Music is the intertwining rhythm of words with instrumental music, the way they meld together to form a beautiful sound. listen to the rhythm of the voice and how the words sound mixed with the music, the music itself, and the bueaty of the voice- then you can appreciate it. i don't understand how someone can dislike music just because of the language barrier. go beyond the words.

(2 boiled and baked and didn't dot their Is | March to the Black Queen)

5:52 pm - musings
Musings and other stuffCollapse )

current mood: pensive

(March to the Black Queen)

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