Arkadia Raduesca (arkadiaraduesca) wrote,
Arkadia Raduesca

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it was an interesting week, for all the wrong reasons. i'm very happy it's over. inside, i'm completely destroyed. but there's always the option to rebuild, and i don't know how easy that's going to be, but it's like i have a choice but to deal with it and try to fix things, so i'm on my way somewhere.

i think the only thing i really learned from all of this was blatently obvious in the first place, but at least i've realized it... i have a purpose here. i'll be damned if i know what it is, because i gave myself a purpose in life when i devoted myself to simply making someone happy- anyone really, if i could just make someone laugh. so i'm a fucking clown, sue me- but that doesn's seem to be working out so well all-around. so i have no idea why i'm here, i don't have a real purpose that i know of... but i'm here, i've been alive for 15 years and counting, i've touched peoples' lives... i'm apparently supposed to be here. and the whole notion i cam up with of "these guys don't really wanna be my friend, they just feel obligated to stay with me... they don't like talking to me, they don't wanna be around me" blah blah blah... i tried the idea of "if you love something, set it free"- and they came back. so apparently we're all bound in this. that's pretty fucking cool. and i've put one person in particular through hell, and they still didn't give up on me- they probably got pissed off after awhile, but they didn't give up, which should be telling me something.

i really need to renew some aspects of my life... i've gotta start with the 'thank-you's', leading up to just being a better person than this twisted, cynical, violent son of a bitch i've become... i was never like this, but that means i can fix it! fuck yeah, i'm bob the builder!

so, my train is finally going through that endless tunnel toward the light... all i can say is, it's about fucking time. this feeling is bound not to last, but i'm enjoying it at the mo', so hey!

ah yes.... COMMENT!! I want to hear from you people! i never freaking hear from half of you! i never even see half of you a lot, let alone hear from you- so comment something! anything! i like talking! its good good good!
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