Arkadia Raduesca (arkadiaraduesca) wrote,
Arkadia Raduesca

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dying of laughter... it's a good thing

ok... today sucked. this whole week has more sucking power to it than a goddamn black hole. i'm thrilled that this schoolweek ends early(today)- thank you convenient graduation project scheduling!! 4 day weekend:) wee!

we have a band concert next week on Wednesday. somebody come to it. my parents aren't and i'd like to know that someone in the audience actually wants to be there. well, i can't blame my mother, she can't get off work, but my dad just isn't going...
we're playing a lot of interesting music, which is a heart-stopping first, so it's a rare oppurtunity here people! we're playing a fast-paced Russian march, an Aria and pieces from broadway musicals, including Seasons of Love from Rent. woooot! plus an African american Spiritual, which i never thought we'd be allowed to play. it's spiffy- hearing the bassoon part makes me want to switch to bassoon- i love bass:) the bassoons go really deep for this.

and i have found more gold from Titus... the discoveries i make when i'm bored... i found a video of this, and laughed my ass off. read below:

Well, today i celebrate my 12 year wedding anniversary... it's never gonna end, is it? My wife's better than me- i know this because people tell me, "dude, how did you... get her??? if you die, i'm gonna so be on that!!" hey hey hey hey hey! dad! use the thanksgiving voice, eh? She's everything to me- if i'm sick she makes me feel better, if i'm sad she makes me happy, she's EVERYTHING! like a Swiss Army-wife! And she is the most hyper, happy human being on the planet! if you guys showed up at our house, before you even hit the door my wife would be on you- "oh my god can i get you a soda do you want a sandwich can i get you a blanket hahahahahahahaha!!" Because she's like that, it made me get her urine tested a lot more frequently! she's been tested positive for Carebear DNA!
We've been talking about kids since i met her. "i want to bring little miracles into the world..." me- awwww... hell no! no, they scream, break stuff, vomit and pee all over themselves- it's like having your own little English soccer hooligan! just without the bar fights and the hatred of Spain. no thank you! so i said No kids, and she said, "fine, if i can't have children you can't get any more cars! in fact, if you don't want kids, i want a divorce!" it was that moment that i realized how much i really love cars... but that i love this woman more than life itself. she's my heart, she is my soul... so i knocked her up. and i was not happy about it, until i saw the sonogram. she dragged me to the 4th sonogram, and i saw my little baby in the womb, little heart beating, all curled up, and i kind of got the miracle of it... and at that point my wife looked at the sonogram screen and yelled, "LOOK AT OUR BABY!" and the baby goes "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" *flails* Great, that's a new level for my family, hon! we've actually managed to traumatize the child while it's still in the womb! we had to give the baby Ritalin en utero!

And you women LIE about childbirth to each other! my wife's friends go, "it's a little uncomfortable, you'll feel some pressure." 9 months and 3 days into her pregnancy, i come home from work- my wife is white-knuckling the headboard, and i can tell she's feeling some pressure because i hear wood crack. She's up on her big toes, arched across the entire bed, and i can tell she's a little uncomfortable because she's going "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" i said, "um um... hon, you're in labor we gotta go!" she goes "no no no no... this is false labor."
"well... um... i don't know much about it... but you're arching so hard i can see your spine through your front! let's go!"
So i get her in the car, and she can't sit down so she's standing on the seat with her head out the sun-roof, as we're whipping across the San Fernando valley, she's going "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" and i love this woman so much, and to hear her screaming like that... it was so hard not to laugh! because she was talking to me the whole time! "HOW WAS WOOOOOORRRK?!! DRIVE CAREFULLLLL!" and i can't drive careful because i'm looking out this window so i don't laugh in her face! we get to the hospital, and the doctor hooks her to the contraction moniter, which measures from 0 pain to twice as much pain as any man can handle... 15 seconds in she red-lines it like she missed a shift! it just goes "booop!" and the doctor goes "wow! look at that!" Yeah, could you giver her something? i know its an HMO, just give me a 2-by-4 and i'll knock her the hell out, just help me!! so they gave her an epidural, which you ladies did not lie about. my wife went "AAAAAAAAAAAAAaAaaaaaaaaaaa.....hahaha.... havin' my baby.... ahhhh..." 2 hours later my wife's 30 seconds apart, and she decides at this point that she no longer wants to have the child. the doctor goes "can you talk to her?" i said that i've made that mistake a couple of times these past 9 months, i'm not doing it now. honey, i'm getting the car, doc here's $20, thanks for getting up so early. The doctor turns to my wife and says "Mrs. Titus, if you don't start pushing right now i'm going to cut off that epidural!" BOOM the baby was out! like a crackhead threatened with rehab, she kicked it out! and no one was ready for that, there were clamps hanging down off my wife, the baby shot out and the doctor missed the baby and caught the clamps, the baby was just hanging like a doll... and the doctor goes, "wow! look at that!"
"yeah, it's a baby, hanging out of my wife's crotch- pick it up! this is not Cervix Du Soleil man, Pick it up!!!"

and this morning, because i love babies now, i sat my wife down and said i was ready to have a second child. and she said "hell no!" so i said then i want a corvette; she said "deal! happy anniversary!!"

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